Let down, but a good read started

May 31 2012

So I have worked myself up to this day . . . for 2 weeks I have been thinking about what my first ever session with a therapist would be . . . and this hour was going to be spent on talking about my childhood.

So I leave work early, fight traffic, get there 1/2 hour early, buy a spiritual book and start reading, and wait for my turn.

L.L. (therapist) invites me upstairs and just says "I have to start the conversation"  So I am thinking, wow, quick start, lets get on this!  And she follows up with the fact that she cannot work with me due to a conflict of interest.  One of my great friends is a classmate of L.L. in the same college, and it would make things uncomfortable for them both, and would not be fair to me at case study time etc.  At first I felt like I was a balloon that had been deflated . . . and I felt tears come to my eyes - but then I realized she was right, and I respected her telling me now, rather than after we had built a relationship.  And as my peep says "trust, trust, trust" not "f**k. f**k, f**k" - reason for everything.

I will see the other therapist i was referred to next Tuesday, so I have more reading and writing to do.

So here is what I have come up with today:

I know something is off with me, and I could be happier with who I am, but how can I start to work on me and heal, when I don’t even really know what my problem(s) is/are?

Uncovering the source of my dissatisfaction, sadness and wild emotions can be scary, lonely work.  And the past 3 weeks it has felt that way  (even though it has not been) . . . I just have to keep telling myself that I am not alone.  I am blessed with some amazing people.  I have to tell myself that there is no right or wrong way to do this . . . just whatever way works for me . . . go with my gut, my inner feeling, my sixth sense . . understand that by ignoring and not fixing what is damaged, it will just follow me, from here to my next life, and the life after that, and after that  . . . while I will eventually leave my body, my baggage will still be with me if I do not deal with it, and release it.

I realize that Nicky Pearson is a “yes” person, a ‘let’s make everyone happy’ person, an ‘I can fix your problem’ person (so I don't have to fix mine). . . I have the perfect answer for the ‘how are you?’ question . . . it is “I am just fine, everything is just fine.  I don’t need anyone’s help thank you”

I have always been the one that was too scared to say anything if I was upset or angry, or wrongly judged – why? . . . because I didn’t want conflict, or to upset anyone by saying how I really felt, or by defending myself, or stand up to a verbal abusive bully or friend.  God forbid I upset anyone.  I have developed a habit of pleasing, placating and calming others rather than honouring my own wants and needs.

Well guess what . . . . I want to, and I will cry out:  I am scared, I am heartbroken, I am hurt, I am angry, I have failed, my dad is dying, I can’t keep quiet anymore!  I need to cry out.

A quote from a great book I am reading right now “Spirited, by Rebecca Rosen” about finding your inner spirit and inner voice, and how to use your intuition to help you.  One of the most resounding excerpts from this book is “When we are feeling lost, defeated or alone, it is hard to believe the answers are inside us, and that is often because we have cut ourselves off from our inner knowing.  Given enough time, this state of disconnect from our inner knowing can lead to self destructive behavior.  When we hit rock bottom we can either recognize our self-abusive behavior as a wake call and do the necessary work to reconnect, or we can continue down the same broken road.”

I wish you all a good night, and peace in your heart.  Today I feel peaceful, I feel ok. . . . . only teared up twice today . . and that is a good thing :)

Two days to go . . . . . what will i discover?

Today was not an especially good day for “emotion control”.   

I want the phone to ring, but I also don’t want it to ring . . . . I want him to be in peace – I want him to be out of pain – I want him to be where he wants to be.  And I want to be able to shut this all off, and not have to deal with it.  

If you had told me in December that this is how I would be feeling in June, I would have called you a great big fucking liar and idiot.  Why the hell would I really care about a man who I didn’t love?  Who was so distant to me?  Who I wrote off a long time ago?  Well I fooled myself didn’t i?  And if I am reacting about my dad like this – wtf am I going to be like when a close family member goes?  

 I am struggling to handle and control the emotions I am feeling, and those that know me, know that I like to have some form of control (over pretty much everything!). . . . I feel like I am losing my focus at work, and losing control of me.  I am keeping my office door closed as I don’t want people walking by and seeing the tears in my eyes and on my cheeks and asking ‘what’s wrong?”.  I just have a post it note on the outside of the door saying “sorry, crazy busy – knock if important”  

I know that I am consumed and confused by these unannounced and surprise tears; by my stomach feeling somewhat nauseous; by the utter feeling of a lack of control over when and where I will start weeping.  I have never been one to show the weakness of emotional breakdowns, I have always been able to push them back into the recesses of my mind . . . to not acknowledge they are there – I haven’t figured out yet why I do this, but I just know that I am bloody good at doing it.  

And I have lived with that strong, tough, unbreakable exterior of emotions, and never realized that deep inside it was probably causing me more harm than good.  And anyways, if it was causing me harm . . . I could handle it!  I am that A Type Leo!

So in 2 days I will talk to a psycho-therapist for the first time.  I once spoke to a counselor (2006) but this is different, this is about finding out why I do what I do; why the fake tough exterior?  why the habit of hiding emotions?   Why the sudden need to tell my whole story?  I know that the first meeting will be talking about my childhood, and finding the base of the complicated structure that I am built on. 

I have never felt the need for daily chats with my friends, or strong hugs of understanding, or the full sharing of my emotions (I was always just fine thank you) but I find an extreme need for non-family chats; non-family hugs; non-family understanding . . . not because I don’t want them from my family, but because the friends didn’t live my history with me . . and they cannot assume the reasons I  am feeling this way, and they can’t identify with the situation, so they will have to identify with me instead . . .  they just have to listen and let me act like a blubbering fool. 
  
That is why I am going to see the therapist – she knows nothing of me, and we will learn about me together.  I need someone with no idea of who, or what I am.

When I read my posts back, it sounds like I am whining and so negative, but that is not my intent . . . I am just trying to be honest about how am I feeling, be honest about things that I have not really been honest about before.

A friend told me last night that she writes blogs, but never has the balls to publish them.  And she was proud of me for publishing mine – that is not why I am publishing these.  Writing releases.  Writing allows me to put onto paper what is in my mind.  Writing lets me escape for an hour.  Writing for me is therapeutic!  And if you don't want to read it, then don't.  

Home, by Philip Phillips, American Idol winner 2012:
 
Hold on to me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road, 
and although this wave is stringing us along,
just know you're not alone, cos I am going to make this place your home
Settle down, it will all be clear, don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear.
The trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found.
Just know you're not alone, I am gonna make this place your home.


Love and hope,

Oh here goes the blood pressure . . . . . .

Thomas Cardinal Collins opposes students calling clubs gay-straight alliances

What part of this story really makes sense?  It is not ok for students to call their anti-homophobia clubs Gay-Straight Alliances.

"The Archbishop of Toronto issued a stinging attack against the Ontario government's anti-bullying bill Monday, after the Liberals announced students must be allowed to name anti-homophobia clubs "gay-straight alliances."

"Trustees and principals are legitimate stewards of the spiritual tradition of the school, and in a Catholic school that includes the Catholic faith tradition," Thomas Cardinal Collins said in a statement.

"Why should the power of provincial law be used to override that legitimate adult authority so that this one particular method can be imposed by any student who wants to do so?"

UMMMMM last time I checked, this country was ruled by a Government and not a freaking catholic dude in a fancy hat . . . . and do you really think that there are no Gay Catholics in your schools?  I applaud all of the students that are fighting for their rights.

And my goodness, what's worst ? A school club that caters to Gay orientated students with the name "Gay Straight Alliances" or the Catholic system where Pedophile priests molest countless children, are moved around by the world to molest again or given "re-orientation" therapy and protected from prosecution ?


Full story at http://www.citytv.com/toronto/citynews/news/local/article/207642--thomas-cardinal-collins-opposes-students-calling-clubs-gay-straight-alliances

Preparing for the inevitable . . . .

I have been accused of being stubborn, strong willed, unwavering and opinionated – can you imagine that - little innocent me.    I certainly can be overbearing, ignorant of any issues other than my own at times; angry; emotional; weak and strong . . . . and that is all within the first 10 minutes of my day :)

When I feel like I have made the right decision I usually stick to my guns. Be it right or wrong, to admit that I fucked up has not been a normal part of my psyche - slight case of "A Type Personality, Middle Child Syndrome" and being a Leo.

I try to live up to my own expectations of myself, and those of my family and friends.  The golden child syndrome was hard to live up to . . . and still is . . . cos sometimes I just want to climb up onto a rooftop and yell “I am not the nice person you all think I am” and “I have done things that I am not proud of” or “I am not the person you have made me out to be.”  I try to love all my family and friends all the time (even when I have upset them or them me), I try to see the good side of people for the most part, and I am a somewhat forgiving person, and sometimes it is so hard to be good 'all the time'.

I had a really good friend when Tim died that knew I was slowly sinking into a hole that I could not crawl out of alone, and I felt that they turned their back and heart on me.   I didn’t talk to that person for years because of that.

I was sitting in my preverbial corner, in my own darkness and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel; and I was grasping and reaching internally for anyone to reach out their hand, yet I would not extend my hand out for them to grab and help.  I felt like I was drowning, but still would not yell for help; I felt the fire burning inside of me, but did not even attempt to fix myself - I was not worthy of being fixed!

It was not until I felt a friend step forward and force me to reach out my hand and open my eyes to my depression and grief, my anxiety and anger, my sadness and absolute exhaustion. She was the one that made me realize that my actions were not healthy for me; that trying to make it ‘all right’ was not going to work – I could not bring Tim back. That person knows who she is – and I tell her to this day, she saved me from taking a step that I may not have recovered from.

And for that person that ‘turned their back on me’, I now realise they really didn’t, as I had the same reaction to helping a friend a year ago. I realize that it wasn’t that the person was being nasty to me; or just didn’t want to help me – possibly they didn’t know how, didn’t have the energy; realized that they were not what I needed; or just couldn’t at that point in their life – and because they were very important in my life, I just assumed they would be there for me. I thank them now for not attempting to do something that would not have worked out for either one of us.

So I have to learn that not everyone wants to take this journey with me, or hold my hand along the way, or wants to hear of my hurt and anger; my confusion and tiredness; and help me understand the last 4 months of emotional outbursts that make me feel weak and angry.   My sister is also going through a similar exercise, and it is nice to be able to talk with her about our childhood and compare notes, memories and stories - and through our discussions we are realizing that more and more we have put way back in the memory banks.

I am on the opposite end of my normal emotional scale right now. I put too much weight on small things that people are doing – I am reading into everything way too much, and I am hurting myself by doing this –and writing this down, this seems to be the way to get these emotions off of my chest, and as I said before is somewhat therapeutic as I cannot speak these words out loud to anyone at this time.

What I find the hardest thing to adjust to is the need to know that I am not alone – cos right now I feel like a lonely person in the middle of a very large round empty room . . . . . when I was not going through this process I was quite happy with my own company . . . . now I feel alone most of the time. I am sure my professional friend will tell me why . . . . and I am really looking forward to understanding . . . .

Journally . . . . and the learnings

As part of this immense personal awareness journey I have decided to start – the one where I will find out “What made me Who I Am?” - I have started journaling – on the suggestion of some great family and friends, and a professional acquaintance.  

There are parts of my past that I have no problem, or concern, sharing, and it really helps me to type them out.  Typing is somewhat therapeutic for me, while writing makes my hand ache (and it stops me from smoking – and man, could I smoke right now – these last 2 days could have puffed a carton!).

In Feb I saw a photo of my dad that bought to my surface some emotions I did not know I had.  All of a sudden I was crying tears that I had not allowed to be released since July 15, 2006.  I was letting my emotions become awake and alive again . . and I am not sure that I liked it, and it knocked me on my ass – which in hindsight was just what I needed.

I am lucky to be blessed and surrounded by some pretty special people.  Some close, some far - but all definite assets to me in my life.  When 2 friends heard my silent cry for help, yes there is such a thing as a silent cry – it is one that is building inside you, that is fighting hard to get out, and the only people that see it are ones that truly love and care about you, and notice the struggle you are having.   They saw the “I am strong, I am tough, I am always there for others” facade suddenly crumble just a little, and the concrete wall I had built start to show it’s weariness; they stepped up to kick my ass into a form of emotional submission. 

They demanded and encouraged me to allow myself to feel and acknowledge, (and not have to understand), the sudden emotional roller coaster ride I was on, and they promised to sit in the seat right beside me the whole way, holding my hands.  That is when I knew I had to allow this to take it’s natural course.  How and why was I sobbing, heaving, nauseating over a man that I had emotionally shut off long ago?

So part of my prep-work for this week’s meeting with a professional was to be ready to talk about my childhood and what memories are clear, and what ones are not so clear.  And why I have chosen to blur some of them into the background.  So I have been sitting thinking about what issues I had as a kid, if any - you know me "I had a good childhood, there was nothing wrong with it".

I have realized that I have always told people that my dad left when I was 7, and Linz was 5. Well, it seems that I have that totally messed up, and I was 11 or 12 when he left. Where did I lose 4 years in there? Why was i so far off . . I can understand 6 months, but I was off by 4 years or more!

What helped me remember the right timelines? I can remember shoplifting when I was in first year of upper school (grade 9 over here), and I was age 11 or 12, and I was 'let off' as my mum blamed my behaviour on the marriage break up that was happening - so the more i remember, the more i realize it was 1977'ish - (only 3 years before I came to Canada - but that seems so wrong . . . I feel like my mum and dad were apart for about 10 years before we came here). I blame the shoplifting it on the fact that I had a HUGE crush on my Classical Studies teacher, Mr. Jordan, and I was stealing baby clothes for his wife . . . . yes, I know - I do stupid things when my heart/emotions and common sense don't connect with each other ♥

So as i go through my memory banks . . . . i feel as if I am struggling to find memories of that missing 4 or 5 year period.  A special friend asked me a very honest question the other day, she asked if I thought I was abused in any way . . . . I said no, back then they were spare the rod, spoil the child.  And sitting here recalling some childhood memories brings tears - not heartfelt sobs, but slow, eyes overflowing tears . . . because the more I think about my young years, the more i can remember.  And some is good, and some honestly hurts to recall.

I seem to lose myself in my thoughts a lot lately.   I will sit just staring off into space. . . and that is when I remember the most . . . I even did it Sunday at the BMX track . . . someone said something. . . and I found myself staring at the treeline just reliving a few memories, oblivious at times to the people around me and having to keep my sunglasses on as my eyes teared up.

I am nervous of this path/journey I am taking as I don't seem to have a ton of control on when some memory I had buried pops into my head, (any hints on how to control that would be gratefully accepted) but I am also very grateful to be able to take it - I will no longer use the word scared.