Two days to go . . . . . what will i discover?

Today was not an especially good day for “emotion control”.   

I want the phone to ring, but I also don’t want it to ring . . . . I want him to be in peace – I want him to be out of pain – I want him to be where he wants to be.  And I want to be able to shut this all off, and not have to deal with it.  

If you had told me in December that this is how I would be feeling in June, I would have called you a great big fucking liar and idiot.  Why the hell would I really care about a man who I didn’t love?  Who was so distant to me?  Who I wrote off a long time ago?  Well I fooled myself didn’t i?  And if I am reacting about my dad like this – wtf am I going to be like when a close family member goes?  

 I am struggling to handle and control the emotions I am feeling, and those that know me, know that I like to have some form of control (over pretty much everything!). . . . I feel like I am losing my focus at work, and losing control of me.  I am keeping my office door closed as I don’t want people walking by and seeing the tears in my eyes and on my cheeks and asking ‘what’s wrong?”.  I just have a post it note on the outside of the door saying “sorry, crazy busy – knock if important”  

I know that I am consumed and confused by these unannounced and surprise tears; by my stomach feeling somewhat nauseous; by the utter feeling of a lack of control over when and where I will start weeping.  I have never been one to show the weakness of emotional breakdowns, I have always been able to push them back into the recesses of my mind . . . to not acknowledge they are there – I haven’t figured out yet why I do this, but I just know that I am bloody good at doing it.  

And I have lived with that strong, tough, unbreakable exterior of emotions, and never realized that deep inside it was probably causing me more harm than good.  And anyways, if it was causing me harm . . . I could handle it!  I am that A Type Leo!

So in 2 days I will talk to a psycho-therapist for the first time.  I once spoke to a counselor (2006) but this is different, this is about finding out why I do what I do; why the fake tough exterior?  why the habit of hiding emotions?   Why the sudden need to tell my whole story?  I know that the first meeting will be talking about my childhood, and finding the base of the complicated structure that I am built on. 

I have never felt the need for daily chats with my friends, or strong hugs of understanding, or the full sharing of my emotions (I was always just fine thank you) but I find an extreme need for non-family chats; non-family hugs; non-family understanding . . . not because I don’t want them from my family, but because the friends didn’t live my history with me . . and they cannot assume the reasons I  am feeling this way, and they can’t identify with the situation, so they will have to identify with me instead . . .  they just have to listen and let me act like a blubbering fool. 
  
That is why I am going to see the therapist – she knows nothing of me, and we will learn about me together.  I need someone with no idea of who, or what I am.

When I read my posts back, it sounds like I am whining and so negative, but that is not my intent . . . I am just trying to be honest about how am I feeling, be honest about things that I have not really been honest about before.

A friend told me last night that she writes blogs, but never has the balls to publish them.  And she was proud of me for publishing mine – that is not why I am publishing these.  Writing releases.  Writing allows me to put onto paper what is in my mind.  Writing lets me escape for an hour.  Writing for me is therapeutic!  And if you don't want to read it, then don't.  

Home, by Philip Phillips, American Idol winner 2012:
 
Hold on to me as we go, as we roll down this unfamiliar road, 
and although this wave is stringing us along,
just know you're not alone, cos I am going to make this place your home
Settle down, it will all be clear, don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear.
The trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost you can always be found.
Just know you're not alone, I am gonna make this place your home.


Love and hope,