Happy Birthday Daddy . . . .

A last word spoken and not heard, or was it?
the words of forgiveness I spoke them out loud,
My permission to leave was granted, but does he want it?
Or is this me being selfish as I just want this to end?

A day of tears and emotions I am not good with;
thinking no more tears, only to start sobbing again.
I told him goodbye, said it's his choice to make now
I did what I could, now I just will live with my emotions

The tough shield that I wore lasted under a minute, the tears
and the emotions just washed it away.
Even though it was rough and there was never a lot of love shared
this man is, and always will be my dad

 

Today is August 1st.  Today is my daddy's birthday.  Today will be his last birthday (according to the drs.).  That is quite a hard pill to swallow. It makes me cry. 

 

My dad is a gentle man, yes I meant to put the space between the two words.  In all the years (17) that he and my mum were together, she only saw him lose his temper once . . when she was in a dangerous situation. He loved her so deeply, that the end of their marriage devastated him. But he was never going to win the Father Of The Year Award.  My dad was always the favourite of all my cousins, aunts and uncles - because he was a good man.  He was always there to help; always there when needed; and did smile a lot from what I remember.  My dad does not have a malicious bone in his body or an evil thought in his head.  And I want him to be remembered for the being the gentle man that he was.

For years I have told myself that our relationship did not matter . . . now I realize what a good liar I was . . especially to myself - god I am a great liar . . . and became an emotionally void person.  

 

I told myself it did not matter . .but oh man, it mattered so much.  I am who I am due in part due to him; to his mannerisms; the way he raised me in the early years; the personality traits he has passed onto me; the genetics; the fact that I am more of an Edwards than my sisters; while I will not look back and regret - I will look forward with an emptiness in my heart.

 

Thomas Charles Edwards . . happy birthday . . I wish i could say and heres to many more . . . . .