Fack I am Tired!

Godamn I am tired . . . . I don't know how else to explain it . . . i am just plain out worn out, plain old tired.  I hate to use the word exhausted, but that is one of the first words that pop into my mind.  I am sure I am not officially exhausted, or I would not be able to function.

I have not written since September as I had no inclination to, my inner thoughts were just that, inner thoughts.  My emotional moments were mine to deal with.  All of my closest friends and my confidants were dealing with their own lives and so I have internalized, and tried to deal with this my own way .  My sudden teary breakdowns and feelings of no energy have become an accepted part of my day.

But the scariest part for me of the past 3 or 4 months is that my memory has gone to shit.  My recall of names; my memory for titles of movies or books; my normally great ability to remember street names and TV show characters . . . all this has gone for total SHIT.  And for someone with a memory that I pride myself on (I can recall conversations from 10 years ago word for word pretty much), this has become an extremely worrisome issue for me.  Dr. says could be stress.  Given me some little white pills to take the edge off that made me want to puke, so trying another type for a few weeks.  Follow up appointment in January (4th appt. in 4 months).  Next step is a scan to see if someone not quite right in the old brain cavity.  My eyes hurt as well, he says that may be something to keep a close watch on . .  I didn't ask why. . .  I didn't want to know . . .

On top of this is have started to have freaking psoriasis flare ups - my scalp is raw, the back of my thighs and my arms are itchy and sore.  Dr. says Stress causes it. 

And I don't sleep too well.  I will pull over on the drive home because I feel my eyes closing and my car weaving.  I will wake up 6-8 times a night and sit bolt upright and think about work, family, relationships or friend stuff.  Dr. says could be contributing to stress levels and memory issues.  I want to sleep at 8pm.  12 hours feels like 12 minutes of rest

Blood pressure up and down like a toilet seat.  From 190/100 to 132/70 to yesterdays reading of 178/91 . . . . . blood test results x 2 were ok.

BEFORE I QUIT SMOKING NONE OF THIS SHIT HAPPENED.  So, do I go back to smoking, and relax?.  My blood pressure was never above 128/70; i slept somewhat well; my memory was spot on; i didnt know what stress was - I was under pressure, but never felt overly stressed. Do I quit my job that is becoming extremely intense and I cannot be performing at less than 100% every day? 

No, I will keep pushing, and get the tests done if needed,  and will not worry about this brain cavity thingy unless it becomes an issue.  Could be that it has been one damn shitty year!